God is faithful even when it is H.A.R.D | Frozen Shoulder

Sometime in June, I started noticing that I was having problems manoeuvring my left shoulder. It wasn’t hurting that much; it just wouldn’t go in every direction. Then slowly but surely it started to hurt when I tried to go in every direction. I didn’t have time to try and get to a doctor as that was exactly when we had two teams come and then we went on vacation. And the system here is incredibly slow… and at that stage I thought it would just go away on its own. Oh boy, was I wrong… 

While I was on vacation it started getting worse and worse and the pain was horrible, but even in that I could see God’s faithfulness. I shared in my vacation blog about how because of the pain, I would get up in the middle of the night to take more medicine… and that was how I got to see the extraordinary sight of the full moon over the water. It was one of those moments in my life which I will never forget – and I would never have seen that if the pain hadn’t woken me up. 

I got back to Banja Luka and then it took three weeks to get the diagnosis of “frozen shoulder”. Basically the joint capsule itself is inflamed and goes stiff and hard rather than being a soft membrane that keeps everything together. 

Source: WebMD

It was called periarthritis when it was first discovered in the 19th century and apparently since then they are still struggling with how it all works and how best to treat it. But the good news is that it usually just goes away by itself – even if it takes up to a year or more at times.

I remember when I shared the diagnosis with friends: all of those who have had it before (and there were actually quite a few) sent their condolences… so that was a clue how bad it is…

I have found some tricks and run arounds, like sleeping on my back – I never ever ever ever thought I would be able to sleep on my back, but it really is the only way I can sleep at least some now. I am also taking some really good drugs (anti-inflammatories) which help a lot! 

After the diagnosis it took another 3 weeks to get in to see a specialist at the rehab hospital. And then after that exactly a month before they called me for my physical therapy, this last week. In all that time, I have been living with a painful shoulder, doing what exercises I can find online to help keep some range of motion.

The first thing that I realised I couldn't do is to play guitar… so leading worship at church hasn’t happened since August. But again God’s faithfulness is shown in that we have formed a little worship band and I am coaching others both on the piano and the guitar. I see how not being able to do things has encouraged others to HAVE to step up. 

And then in October, I was supposed to be helping to run a YWAM leadership conference in Albania. I decided in the end that it really wasn’t a good idea for me to go, and so handed over all I was doing to other people. It went well in the end, and I got to join in on the livestream, but I was of course sad that I couldn’t go and see everyone at the gathering. 

When I was telling people why I wasn't coming, I told them I was waiting to go to rehab and was on some strong drugs to keep me going. One of them quipped, "So we will tell people you couldn't come because you were hooked on drugs and had to go to rehab." :) 

My range of motion is quite limited in that left shoulder - so hairwashing for instance became harder, so I decided to get my hair cut :) It is the shortest it has been in over 30 years! My hairdresser has been trying to get me to do it short for years, but I always wanted to be able to put it up... now I can't put it up anyway, so I thought, "Why not!" I call it my frozen shoulder haircut. And I think it is pretty snazzy... 

Now, the physical therapy has started and it is every day for 3 hours for 2 weeks. (here is my blog on how physical therapy works here in this country). I can genuinely say some of it is wonderful and some of it is complete torture. But even after just 3 days I can already see some small improvement in my range of motion, so I believe it is doing me good, even despite the pain. 

I decided to write this blog today, as a way to remind myself that God is faithful even in the midst of the hard. Even in the wilderness I can see the little flowers growing through the cracks – showing His faithful presence is with me through it all. I know that through it all, He is with me, His rod and His staff are comforting me and with my shepherd by my side, I can face anything. I don’t know how much longer this condition may last, but I do know that it will not be for eternity… even if it feels like it sometimes! 

This is an addition to the series of blogposts about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. which I wrote in February and March 2021.

God is faithful even when it is H.A.R.D | Iron sharpening Iron

I have been putting off this topic as it is a hard one to write. I have been thinking of how to end this series, and somehow I think it is fitting if this one will be the last one. It is a hard one to write because it doesn't just concern me, and so I have struggled with even writing anything at all. However, I have come to realise that if I don't write something on it, then I am not being entirely truthful and also not celebrating God's faithfulness completely. 

One of the hardest parts of being a cross-cultural worker is working with other cross-cultural workers. Before I came to Bosnia, I thought I was a nice easy-going person, and I could get on with anyone. I learnt in my training before coming that one of the main reasons people leave cross-cultural work is because of conflicts with other cross-cultural workers. I thought, “Wow, that is amazing, well I won't have those kinds of problems, I will be fine.” [insert hysterical laughter here 😊] 

I remember when I was interviewing for a volunteer position with Samaritan's Purse. They asked me, "So tell us about your previous experience in working in teams..."  I quipped, "Well I have been on two teams and they both broke up and everyone else kind of left." They looked a bit shocked at this and leaned in and said, "Tell us more..." (Whoooooops!!!) Luckily, I was able to come back from that and have been on the Bosnian National Team for Operation Christmas Child for over 5 years now. 

Recently, I was teaching on a Leadership Development course on zoom, and I was talking about learning from your Leadership Journey. The premise is that we all need to look back on our lives and learn from what God was showing us along the way. In the teaching, I was sharing about transitions and specifically about the big transition I went through when I moved to Bosnia. I half-jokingly said, "I think in that transition time my greatest cultural stress was not with the Bosnians, but learning to work with Americans…” Yes, cross-cultural issues also go on in teams! 

All the YWAM workers in Bosnia circa 2002

Since I thought that I was wonderful and easy to work with, when I started having issues with other people, I just blamed them. I didn’t see how much I was part of the problem as well. Looking back, I see that God was using my teammates to change me and sharpen me (and me to sharpen them too!). It is true what it says in Proverbs: 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

Another important thing to remember in any team context is that the devil is on the prowl, looking at ways to get you to clash. His ultimate aim is for you to crash out. I think the reason I have been able to work for so many years on a team with Siniša and Ljilja (with many others coming and going over the years!) is because we keep short accounts and don’t let the devil get a foothold. Or at least we try!

Whether it is God using the iron to sharpen iron, cultural issues or the devil trying to destroy community, team conflict over the years has changed me into who I am today. Even though it has not been easy, I wouldn’t want to change anything or anyone with whom I have worked over the years. I attempt to practice Romans 18:12: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” And I think I can safely say that I have a good relationship with all of my ex-teammates.

 

Community is essential to flourish, especially cross-culturally, and I can see how faithful God has been over the years and even now in providing that community through teammates. He has also been so faithful to use them to sharpen me and help me become more like Him in the process. 

I hope you have enjoyed this series about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. I hope you have enjoyed looking back with me and seeing that He is faithful even in the hard times, through the hard things and truly works everything for the good... Look out soon for my next series 😊 

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. " Deut 7:9

This is the seventh and final in a series of blogposts about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. They follow the series of 20 short stories celebrate 20 years of God's faithfulness to me in Bosnia and Herzegovina. On the 16th of January 2021, it was 20 years since I arrived in the country "for 2 years". I hope you will enjoy hearing some of the ways that God has shown me that He is faithful over the past 20 years!

God is faithful even when it is H.A.R.D | Saying Goodbye

Another hard part of being a cross-cultural worker is always having to say goodbye. Someone once asked me how many short-term teams I have hosted or been involved in. And it would be impossible to count, but it has been a LOT. Some coming for a couple of days, others for a few weeks, and then we have had interns coming for months or a year. With short-termers comes the inevitable goodbyes. And you start protecting yourself by not getting involved with them and not putting your heart out too much... A few of the many teams that we have had: 

I mean the truth is, saying goodbye stinks. Especially if you don't know when or if you will see people again on this side. It is nice to know with believers that one day we will see them in heaven at least! Sergej (a colleague I said goodbye to in 2009), used to say "meet you at the East Gate" to people when saying goodbye. I like that. It gives hope...

After many years of getting it wrong, I realised that it is vital to say goodbye well. Bringing good closure. Making sure people know that I appreciated them and will miss them. 

There are of course advantages to being the one who outstays everyone else: I console myself by picking up some of their stuff where I can, so for instance I now have a HUGE library of books.  I shared in my last of the 20 stories about one of my latest goodbyes – last year – which resulted in receiving the lovely rocking chair for my Sacred Corner. 

I remember I bought my living room couches (very cheaply) from some workers who were leaving after being in Banja Luka a year. The one had a pull-out bed and when I asked them how to use it they were like “we don’t know, we never used it”. I guess we have a lot more guests – in fact, so many people have slept on that pull-out bed, that it has needed fixing more than once 😊 But again, having guests means the inevitable goodbyes when they leave 😔

The guest I find it hardest to say goodbye to...

I am really blessed with many local friends, and that helps a LOT. But sometimes I need to speak with people who get all of what I am going through. And so finding friendship with people "living between two worlds" is essential, and rarer, and thus it hits harder when the inevitable goodbye happens...

And I haven't even mentioned the goodbyes that happen when I leave one of my "homes" and go to the other... those are also stinky! Whichever way I go, I have to say goodbye to someone 😢

And yet, I pick myself up off the floor, and realise that my hope is not in my relationships with others here on this earth. My home is not here. I am just here for a short while and then I will be home forever with the Faithful One who turns my mourning into dancing... weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning!! 

So, I continue to put my heart out there, and say goodbye well, knowing that it is all a part of the process of living here in this fallen world. And I know that one day, not too far off in the light of eternity, I will be in a place where I won't ever have to say goodbye to anyone ever again!

This is the sixth in a series of blogposts about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. They follow the series of 20 short stories celebrate 20 years of God's faithfulness to me in Bosnia and Herzegovina. On the 16th of January 2021, it was 20 years since I arrived in the country "for 2 years". I hope you will enjoy hearing some of the ways that God has shown me that He is faithful over the past 20 years!

God is faithful even when it is H.A.R.D | Both here and there

Living between Bosnia Herzegovina and South Africa, it is like I am half-way between two worlds... I wanted to write a book called "Neither here nor there" once, but then realised that Bill Bryson had already used that title. Now I realise that it isn't neither here nor there, but rather BOTH here and there... I have two places I call "home". I go “home” to South Africa and connect with my church and my family and friends and then go "home" to live in Bosnia and beyond again... it is not easy, and sometimes like now when I can’t travel to my other home, it has been H.A.R.D.

I have a dual sim phone - with both a BiH and SA sim card in it. And the symbols I use are the 🏠 and the ❤️ - when I am in BiH, I represent the BiH SIM with the 🏠 and the ❤️ is for the SA SIM and vice versa for when I am in South Africa! And to carry the analogy on: I will also ALWAYS be in roaming on one of my SIM cards. So, when I am in Bosnia, my ❤️ will long for SA and when I am in SA, I will miss Bosnia! I realise that I am really blessed to have both a heart and a home in both places...but at the same time it is hard to never really be at home in either place. 

Another analogy is that Cape Town is like a square culture, and Bosnia a round one. I came here as a square and slowly but surely started picking up bits of the “round” culture here. It is like I am now a hexagon: I don’t fit into the square culture anymore but am also not completely round to fit into the culture here. Coming to terms with being a hexagon hasn’t always been easy, but actually it has helped me grasp a deeper spiritual truth... 

As Christians, followers of Christ, here on this earth, we are both HERE… and THERE... We believe in the Kingdom to come.  We believe that Jesus died and rose again and we believe that right now we are living in between the time of His ascension and his return. I was reminded of this the other day in a little verse in Hebrews 13: “For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come.”  We are looking for that city that is yet to come… We are all hexagons in this world, with our hearts in two places – here on earth, and in the heavenly places with Him. Both here and there.

I read a great book recently: “How to Pray: A simple guide” by Pete Greig. And in that book, he uses the story of the Thai youth football team who were caught in the caves by the monsoon rains in 2018. The boys were there for 9 days before the rescuers found them. And then it took the rescuers another 7 days to even start getting them out. It was so dangerous to dive through the different sections of the caves. In fact, an experienced diver lost his life in the rescue effort. 

He used the story to illustrate the time we are living in now. That 7 days when the boys had been FOUND, but still hadn’t been RESCUED. The in between time. The neither here nor there time. We have been found. Jesus has died. He has risen. But Jesus has still to come again. We are waiting for the return of the King. We are looking for the city that is to come. We are living in a both here and also there time… our hearts are in two places at once.

And the wonderful news is that our Faithful God sent His Holy Spirit to lead us and guide us and comfort us during our waiting time. We are not alone in the cave. And one day we will be rescued and live for eternity with Him. 

This is the fifth in a series of blogposts about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. They follow the series of 20 short stories celebrate 20 years of God's faithfulness to me in Bosnia and Herzegovina. On the 16th of January 2021, it was 20 years since I arrived in the country "for 2 years". I hope you will enjoy hearing some of the ways that God has shown me that He is faithful over the past 20 years!

God is faithful even when it is H.A.R.D | When things don’t go as planned

When I was still investigating whether to come to Bosnia and Herzegovina or not, I came in 1999 to spend 2 months volunteering with some YWAM workers who worked with another organisation. They were based in Croatia but travelled into Bosnia and ran camps to work with youth from a town called Sanski Most. I spent some time in Croatia, helping on a summer camp and then went to Sanski Most with a team to spend time with the youth from the camp there. 

Through a whole lot of different crazy circumstances beyond my control, I ended up being left in Sanski Most while the people I was with had to leave. I won’t go into all the details here as it is a bizarre story, but trust me when I say I was actually quite happy to be left behind. I had made some good connections and there were other cross-cultural workers with whom I was able to stay and help out. But still, it wasn’t what I had originally planned and that whole summer was H.A.R.Der than I had anticipated.

It did help that I really believed that God wanted me there that summer. I had found out about the opportunity when trying to figure out what my future was, but didn’t have the finances to go. I prayed in the morning, “Well, if you want me to go, Lord, you will have to provide.” Later that day I got a call from my church to say that someone had given me a big donation, enough to cover all the expenses for that trip! I took that as a sign... And it definitely helped me when everything started going sideways to know that this wasn’t just my idea, and to trust that God had a plan even in the middle of the madness. 

I don’t know all of why I was left behind there, but I do know that when people ask me why did you go to Bosnia to stay, one incident comes to mind, and it happened in Sanski Most’s bus station. It is also the reason that I now ALWAYS see people off properly onto the bus – I don’t want to inflict the same trauma onto someone else. 

I had been staying with a wonderful Dutch family, who were fantastic, but I think glad to see the back of me. So much so that when I was leaving to travel onto Jajce [pronounced. “Yaitse”], the husband just dropped me off at the bus station. 

He told me “I don’t know when the bus will get here. Just keep asking for the bus to Jajce . It doesn’t go to Jajce, just through it, so it won’t be on the board on the front of the bus. Bye and God bless!” and off he went.

Now, remember, I don’t know the language. I have a few sentences only. I am with my big backpack sitting all alone at the station. Whenever a bus came in (and there were loads) I would get up, point to the bus and ask the nearest person “Jajce?” and they would sadly shake their head and try to say something, and I would say “Ne razumijem” (I don’t understand) and that would be that. 

I was there for almost two hours. People came and went, but I guess the whole bus station was talking about me, because when the bus to Jajce came in, I didn’t have to ask anything. Instead, as if in one orchestrated movement, all the people at the bus station stood up and started pointing at the bus, saying repeatedly, happily, excitedly, “JAJCE! JAJCE! JAJCE!” One person grabbed my bag. Two others pushed me up into the bus. Everyone waved wildly at me – so happy that they were able to help me despite the language barrier. I still get teary eyed when I think about how happy they were!

I look back at that lonely experience at that bus station. It wasn’t easy. But God faithfully showed me something that day. The Bosnian people are SO wonderful, and it planted a seed in my heart that made me want to come back, learn the language and show them how much God loves them. Even in the hard time of that crazy summer, the Lord showed me His faithfulness and how His plans are way better than anything I come up with! 

This is the fourth in a series of blogposts about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. They follow the series of 20 short stories celebrate 20 years of God's faithfulness to me in Bosnia and Herzegovina. On the 16th of January 2021, it was 20 years since I arrived in the country "for 2 years". I hope you will enjoy hearing some of the ways that God has shown me that He is faithful over the past 20 years!

God is faithful even when it is H.A.R.D | My Dad

Lately, I have been looking back at my life and realising that I was truly blessed growing up in the time I did and in the way I did. We only moved once in my childhood, and it was literally two streets over and my Mom is still in the house that we moved to 41 years later. My parents’ hospitality was something I took for granted then – our house was the house where parties were held, friends were welcome, and memories were made. And my parent’s love for me was something I never had to doubt.

However, when I first decided that God was calling me to work for Youth with a Mission (YWAM) and then again when I felt I was to go to Bosnia, I remember my biggest fear was telling my Mom and Dad. I feared my Dad’s reaction to me joining an organisation that doesn’t pay salaries – and I was right: he thought I was throwing my life away. He told me “I didn’t pay for you to go to University so you could turn around and throw it all away”. Mom’s reaction when I decided to go to Bosnia was one of disbelief that I could leave South Africa and was mostly out of a longing for me to stick round.

Both reactions were hard to handle. I had to stand up to both of them and follow what I believed God was doing in my life. It wasn’t easy. Having to go against the wishes of the two people who love you the most in this world was H.A.R.D. In those beginning years, our contact was really minimal – email was just beginning and Mom wasn’t into it, and so we would talk twice a year for Christmas and my Birthday. Thankfully now technology means I can be in touch more with my Mom, but I think she still wishes I lived in Cape Town but has made peace with it. And Covid-19 has meant we can actually “go to church” together online, which is quite fun.

My Dad was always the life of the party, and so many of my friends showed up at his funeral to honour him, as he had also made an impact in their lives. Writing these stories has reminded me where I got my sense of humour and story-telling ability from: he really was a great raconteur and from people's feedback to my stories, it seems it has rubbed off on me. He was a great Dad in so many ways, and I miss him. He passed away 10 years ago this year, but about 3 months before he died, he told me that he was proud of me and that he was glad that I was making the world a better place. That was my faithful God’s gift to me, that Dad and I made our peace before he passed away.

And when my Dad died, I had an amazing experience that showed me God’s faithfulness once again: giving me hope even in the sadness of his passing. I was sitting in an airport rushing to South Africa to get there before he passed away, when I got the email to tell me that he had died peacefully the night before. Crying softly to myself to try and not disturb other passengers around me, I opened my bible to get some comfort from my Heavenly Father. I was asking Him, “Where is my Dad? Is he with you?” I couldn't take it for granted as my Dad wasn't a church goer. He said he believed, but had had some hard experiences with the church and so hadn't stepped foot in one for many years. 

My Bible opened up to the passage in Luke 23 about Jesus’ crucifixion. And it was like a spotlight hit the verses where Jesus tells the thief on the cross: “Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.” (Luke 23:43) I knew then that God was telling me that my Dad was with Him and I still have such peace that my Dad made his peace with God and is with Him now.

It wasn’t easy not being there when my Dad passed away, but I am so grateful that I and my siblings all made it back to South Africa for the memorial service and to support Mom in those weeks afterwards. Here is my inadequate In Memoriam of him. And my brother’s eulogy. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for His faithfulness in my life, and also for giving me such a wonderful earthly father as well.

This is the third in a series of blogposts about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. They follow the series of 20 short stories celebrating 20 years of God's faithfulness to me in Bosnia and Herzegovina. On the 16th of January 2021, it was 20 years since I arrived in the country "for 2 years". I hope you will enjoy hearing some of the ways that God has shown me that He is faithful!

God is faithful even when it is H.A.R.D | Singleness Part 2

I am an unmarried woman living in a patriarchal society. It hasn’t been easy. I have made mistakes. Even last week, as I walked around the big park down the road, I just nodded a few times at an older man (he was walking around in the other direction). Thinking, “poor guy, maybe he is lonely”, it was a kind of “I recognise you” nod and smile. Well, on the next day, when I did it again, he stopped me and asked me out for a coffee as clearly it seemed as if I was interested in him. The fact that he was 20 years my senior didn’t seem to bother him. And to make matters worse, this is not the first time this has happened. I clearly need to stop nodding and smiling at older men. 

I have observed that there is a continuum of singles working cross-culturally: ranging from those that can’t wait to get married, through those that are happy to get married if the opportunity arose, and those who believe they are called to be single. I fall somewhere in the middle: Singleness is not something I am excited about, and if my husband showed up on the park, maybe I would go to coffee with him 😊, but I know God is still a faithful God, even if I don’t get married. 

When I turned 40, and the prospects of getting married and having children was diminishing, I heard a great talk by another single cross-cultural worker which so encouraged me. She used the quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “You can live a fulfilled life in spite of unfulfilled wishes”. Because she was German and was translating it herself, she actually translated the word “wishes” as “dreams” and that really struck a chord with me. 

Another reason it is hard is that most people assume at my age I should be married. And many people here in Bosnia assume that getting married to a local is the reason I am here. Once I was at a fancy spa place with two local friends, enjoying the sauna and “getting away from it all”. We were joined by an older lady who asked us where we were from to start the conversation. One of my friends shared that I was originally from South Africa, but had been in Bosnia for almost 20 years. Her response still has us in stitches: without even confirming her assumption, she said “Love is evil! But I guess for you to leave your home and come to live in Bosnia, he must be worth it”. 

There are days when I look at my life and wonder what it would be like if I had a husband or could be a mother. The not having children is possibly the hardest part. I do have days when I wish I was a mom. When I feel what so many of my childless married friends feel. I know so many people whose longing has taken then on the road to IVF treatments or adoption, some successful, many others not. I understand what drives them, and there are days that it is H.A.R.D. 

Last year, I was sent a book by a Christian single woman in her 30s to review. In the end I told her it was better if I didn't give her a review, as the whole book felt like a complaint about how hard it is to be single. And at the same time, she was trying so hard to convince herself that she was fantastic and God is great. It felt like she was protesting too much, and in reading between the lines it felt like she was in denial that she was struggling with being single... and here she was trying to write a book to help others!

After reading that book, I realised the secret is to find the sweet spot: not complaining too much, but not in denial about the fact that it is sometimes hard. Lamenting and taking the pain to the Lord when it is hard, but not going on and on and on about it… Being real with Him and others, but then picking yourself up off the floor and getting on with living the life you have to live right now. Not waiting for it to start. Being aware of our faithful God’s gift in every season of your life. 

And actually, that is the secret to living any kind of life, not just the single one! 

This is the second in a series of blogposts about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. They follow the series of 20 short stories celebrate 20 years of God's faithfulness to me in Bosnia and Herzegovina. On the 16th of January 2021, it was 20 years since I arrived in the country "for 2 years". I hope you will enjoy hearing some of the ways that God has shown me that He is faithful over the past 20 years!

God is Faithful even when it is H.A.R.D | Singleness part 1

I just spent 20 days celebrating God’s faithfulness over my 20 years in Bosnia-Herzegovina, but I wrote only one story about the faithfulness of God when it is H.A.R.D.: about surviving the winters here in Bosnia. However, I realised there were many other things that were “hard”, and so I decided to continue these stories of finding God’s faithfulness even during the difficult times. 

I am not writing these blog posts as a way for people to feel sorry for me, but rather trying to share lessons learnt along the way. Or should I say lessons I am still learning along the way as I haven’t got there yet in many of these areas. 

I wanted to start with the topic of singleness. And as it is such a big topic, I am going to do it in parts, so welcome to part 1! 

A big part of being a single living cross-culturally is the area of loneliness. We don’t have a built-in social network of family and so sometimes it can be very lonely. I remember back to my days when I lived alone for two years in Zenica. I was in a team with two other couples and no singles. It was very lonely at times. I was hardly ever home by myself - I made friends with locals and fellow cross-cultural workers, got involved in many activities, all just to keep away from all the loneliness that would happen at home. 

Even with local friends and other relationships, I realised that I wasn’t cut out for living on my own, so I realise how faithful God was to bless me with a local housemate almost all of the time I have been here in Banja Luka. You can read how that came about here

In January, my housemate was visiting her family and so I was alone in the house for almost 3 weeks. Granted because of Covid, this is the first time I have been in the house alone for almost a year, so I was the one that decided to stay and be here by myself for what was supposed to be 10 days. Then we had some heavy snows, so she stayed on longer... and I started to feel sorry for myself that I was all alone…

*cue pity party music here* 

And then, faithful as always, the Lord reminded me once again of the idea, 

“Alone, but not lonely”. 

One of the spiritual disciplines I am learning to embrace are times of solitude – when we are alone, but conscious of the presence of the Lord with us always – so NOT lonely. Spending quality time with Him these past weeks has reminded me that loneliness is really a state of mind. Self-pity is a dangerous tool of the enemy and loneliness plays into his hands. Realising that ‘solitude’ is not ‘lonely’ means that I can embrace alone time and even look forward to it.

Another thing that has helped me all these years in single cross-cultural life was when I first came to Bosnia someone told me “get your main heart relationships with the locals, don’t just make friends with the foreigners”. This has been a huge key for me. Foreigners tend to come and go but locals are mostly around for the long run. Having local friends with whom I can hang out and have fun and it not be about “work” has definitely been one of the reasons I made it to 20 years here in Bosnia-Herzegovina. Another key aspect of this was learning the local language, but that is another whole story. 

When I ended up being the only YWAM worker here in Bosnia-Herzegovina, what became key was finding online fellowship with people at a heart level. I have a mentor, a peer mentor and a spiritual director with whom I meet online on a regular basis. This has helped so much during Covid when going to live gatherings was not possible. I was so grateful to already have set regular times with people to whom I could be vulnerable and they get me!

However, nothing can take the place of live, in person times with other people who are able to feed your soul. This is something that you have to figure out how to do or else you will not last long cross-culturally. (As I said, in these Covid times, I have managed to harness the online version of this, but I long for the days when we can once again gather in person and do it live!)

The main reason that I wanted to start my series of God’s faithfulness in the hard times on the area of singleness is that I realised that so many of the lessons that I have learnt about God’s faithfulness were BECAUSE I am single… and frankly, I wonder if I would have learnt them if I were not!

This is the first in a series of blogposts about God’s faithfulness when things are H.A.R.D. They follow the series of 20 short stories celebrating 20 years of God's faithfulness to me in Bosnia and Herzegovina. On the 16th of January 2021, it was 20 years since I arrived in the country "for 2 years". I hope you will enjoy hearing some of the ways that God has shown me that He is faithful!

Chaplain Chaplin

When my brother was in High School he used to joke that he would study theology and then go serve in the (then compulsory) 2 years of army in South Africa. His reasoning was that he would then be able to be a "Chaplain Chaplin". I know he was only kidding, but actually I had an interesting thing happen to me that reminded me of it when I was serving at the YWAM Together in Thailand in 2018...

I was working at the Information Desk and minding my own business when I was approached by some people who said: "Someone told us there was a Chaplain who was working at the desk". It turns out they were Chaplains who worked in hospitals and prisons and they were asking around among the 4000 attendees to find out if there were more of them around and someone kind of misunderstood and said, "There is a 'Chaplin' working at the info desk"... so we laughed and then they asked me, "Do you want to know the origins of your surname?". Always one to get useless information, because why not, I of course said "yes!". It turns out it wasn't so useless at all. Instead, I think it was a Godly encounter...

Now, to give you the background. I was always scared to be a leader. I didn't think I had what it took, even when other people saw that I had potential. My leader in YWAM Central Europe invited me to be a part of an "emerging leader's track" at the Global Leadership Gathering in 2012 in England. It was a great time with 300 leaders from around the globe, and there were 30 or so of us in our "track" who met up with Darlene Cunningham (co-founder of YWAM) every afternoon. I was continuously feeling like I shouldn't have been there and that it was a mistake that I had been invited.

One day, during worship, I don't even remember the song, but it was amazing worship, being led by Graham Kendrick, so you can imagine... I just remember feeling this overwhelming presence of the Lord and during that time saw a picture of a mantle/cloak being placed on my shoulders. I felt like this mantle was something the Lord was challenging me to take up in the future and that He was showing me that it wasn't a mistake that I was there and He was grooming me for leadership in YWAM in the future. It was a powerful moment as I accepted the mantle, little knowing what it all meant and where it would lead.

It was another 3 years before I was asked if I could pray about coming on the leadership of the Area team for Central Europe. And when I was praying, the Lord reminded me of that cloak and that He had been preparing me for this time. So, I accepted the invitation, little knowing that in less than a year the main leadership for the whole Area would be handed over to me as the previous leader transitioned out.

Fast forward to Thailand two years after that. I was feeling burned out. I was feeling that I wasn't where I should be with my leadership. It was hard. I was tired. And then these people shared the simple story of my name...the name I was born with:

Back in Roman times, there was a young Roman soldier who saw a beggar lying by the side of the road freezing cold. He took his Roman Army cloak and cut off the bottom half of it and gave it to the beggar to cover up with, leaving the top half for himself. That night he had a vision of Jesus who told him "as you clothed that beggar, you clothed me". 

After his death, he was sainted as St Martin and his half "cloak" was carried into battle, and the tent that his cape or "cappella" was housed in also became known as a "cappella" or later on "chapel". And the people who carried the cloak were "cappellano" or "chaplains". The chaplains were the ones that carried the cloak seen as a symbol of bringing the presense of God into battle with them. 

Do you see it? The mantle that God showed me? And the cloak of a Chaplain? There are no words that can describe what it felt like in that moment when I realised that the name I was born with and the picture of the cloak/mantle/cape were two images that came together without me even realising it!! God used my name in the image that He gave me back in 2012!

I also realised then that my role in leadership is to bring God into every situation I encounter. As I write this, it is also a good reminder that I am a "Chaplain" and not just a "Chaplin". It is no mistake that I am who I am and do what I do in, even if sometimes I get tired and discouraged about it. I just need to remind myself that it is the mantle of His presence that I carry on my shoulders as I go about being a Chaplain Chaplin! 

Musings about moths...

It has been a funny year, lots of travels and in between, lots of busyness and guests... It has meant that I didn't have time to completely deal with the moths that kept appearing in our pantry. Last year when we went off flour we gave most of the food in the pantry away to different people. This year, I took any other possible source of food out and yet they still kept appearing. I got moth traps and it was appalling how many there were... they were unrelenting! But because of my schedule and having guests around, we didn't have a chance to do anything about it...

Then, finally, before Ljilja left to take Sina to fly out from Dubrovnik, and then visit her family in Trebinje for a few days, I decided it was now beyond time to do a complete pantry clear out. Before they left, Ljilja and I took everything out of the pantry (except the shelves and cupboards) and put it in the hallway. I put up more moth traps just to make sure they were really gone. To my amazement they still kept appearing in the pantry without anything in it. They were somewhere in the wooden shelves or cupboards... I took the shelves out and they still kept appearing... so the cupboards went out as well.

Over the next week in between working on communication stuff for the upcoming big YWAM Together event in Thailand, I went through everything in the pantry. When Ljilja got back, we bought (on sale!) some new plastic shelves which fit nicely and a new floor covering. We even got our friend and handyman, Damjan to come and paint it. Ljilja just said "it is so nice in there now, I want to sit in it". But seriously, if the moths come back NOW, I am not sure what I will do!!

I also hosted a friend this year who had to go through a lot of stuff she left behind in Bosnia and get rid of 95% of it. It was hard work and I realised that I am also attached to so many things for sentimental reasons. I managed to get rid of a lot of things from the pantry that we never use, but I have kept some small mementos. But if they were the source of the moth infestation they would have to go as well...

It has made me look at things and realise that *things* are not important. They are the things that moths and rust can destroy. I don't have that many things, but still I cling to some of them because they are important to me... but as the Bible says:  "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Where is my heart? Is it with earthly things? Or is it with the things of heaven? Some days I am not certain... other days I know for sure. It is important to examine my heart and make sure that I am laying up my treasures in the eternal and not just for today. Sometimes just like with "Operation Pantry Clean Out", it takes a radical clean out and examination to make sure that my treasure is still in heaven. 

One of the reasons that I actually took this house when I moved in 15 years ago was that it had this nice storage space. For so long (we have had the moths off and on for over 2 years!!!) it has been a source of annoyance and now it is something we can enjoy. I haven't enjoyed the process of getting here, it was a lot of hard work, but in the end, the pantry is nicer than it has ever been. 

And the same is true of searching our hearts and spending time in reflection with God as our helper. Firstly we are reminded of reasons why we do things - I was reminded that the pantry was a reason for living here. Secondly, things that are annoying now will become easier to live with as we gain perspective - the moths being there actually made us get rid of the horrible old shelves and cupboard and get something better in their place. And lastly, despite the hard work, or maybe because of it, you will end up a much better person!! Or at least that is the hope :) 

Well that is it... I just had to share what has been going round in my brain this week... I hope you have enjoyed these musings about moths! 

Thoughts from a snowy Banja Luka

I have lived in Bosnia and Herzegovina for 17 years, and so snow is something I have had to become at least a little familiar with. I was sharing today in an English class at a high school here in Banja Luka (a friend is the teacher and she gets me to come and talk about South Africa and do it in English!), and I told them the story of my first full winter here as at the time I was not familiar with snow AT ALL.

The snow started on Thanksgiving (so end of November) and stuck around until the end of January. It was a bad winter, not all of them are like that! I had a car which you couldn't get winter tyres for and so I was slipping and sliding around until one of my Bosnian friends suggested I put the chains on. And so I did - and drove around with them all winter (which is ok where there is snow on the roads, but where they had cleared it, I was like a tractor!! and to say that people looked at me funny is an understatement, but I was happy I could drive!!)

Now, I have a car which has been duly winterised. Lovely winter tyres. Antrifreeze in the cooling system which can go below -30, and cleaning fluid in the windscreen wipers which also helps to deice the windscreen. These are all things I never thought I would think about! I have been blessed in that I do manage to go to South Africa every other year or so and skip part of the winter (and I have managed to skip many of the really bad ones), so I can't really complain.

I was thinking the other day that just like me car needs to get winterised, and change and adapt to different circumstances, I had to do that as well. I needed to adapt to this culture and people in order to be comfortable. I needed to make sure I had all the necessities in order to live here successfully.

And besides doing that on a cultural and language level, I needed to do it in other ways too... I mean am now proficient in all things needed to be warm in -10 degree weather... long underwear, scarves, hats, and the warmest coat ever (pictured above!). I bought the coat last November as I lost so much weight (yay!) that I was too small for the old one... and it had been such a mild winter until now, that I hadn't really needed it. But now it has come in way handy and I am so glad I bought it!! Even if I do look a bit like Anna Karenina!! As the Norwegians say - there isn't any bad weather, just bad clothing!

This week we are starting up the Book Club and I was so tempted to postpone it, as the weather really is bad, but in the end, I thought it was just good to keep going and so we will see how it goes tonight and if my brave volunteers will come through for me!! But I realised that in the past the weather would have been a reason to cancel as I wouldn't have adapted to it, but now with God's help I have adapted. We all need to adapt and change over time.

Last night at our bible study we were talking through Romans 13. I especially like the last verse, in the Message version: "Dress yourselves in Christ, and be up and about!". I am now thinking that just like I get dressed in all my wintery garb in order to make it out of the house, it is so important to dress myself in Christ in all that I do. To be His hands and feet in this world...and I am so glad that we didn't cancel the Book Club... we need to be up and about! 

Living as a Royal subject

Today is the Queen's actual 90th birthday and in wishing her on twitter and Facebook, I looked back at the day I became British and saw it was 6 years and 4 days ago... how time flies when you have a British Passport!!

When I applied for citizenship, it was just so I could get the passport, because the South African passport needs a visa for every surrounding country to Bosnia - so even to drive 45 minutes north of Banja Luka, I needed a visa for Croatia. So it really made sense (and still does, I praise the Lord at every border I go through where I would have once needed a visa) to get the citizenship so I could get the passport.

Along the way I discovered two things: the first being that I didn't even need to apply to South Africa to keep my citizenship (which you normally would do when you acquire a second one), because according to them, I was actually British at birth. I just didn't know it! The second was that I didn't expect it to be quite so meaningful to me to swear allegiance to the Queen. I kind of thought it was just part of the process, but when I came to do it, I was actually really moved by the seriousness of the oath and the big step I was taking to align myself to her service.

My brother doesn't believe that there should be a monarchy - that it is a waste of money, but it turns out that I am quite a little monarchist, loyal to my Queen and proud of the fact that I am counted as one of her royal subjects. I guess it helps that she is clearly a believer and takes her role as God's representative seriously.

I realised after I became a royal subject to Her Majesty the Queen that there were some important parallels in my life as a believer. I was born into the United Kingdom, but just didn't know - but I still had to swear allegiance to the one on the throne - in this case, the Queen - to actually get all the privileges that come with being British (the passport, etc). And it is the same with the Kingdom of God. We are all born into it without even knowing, and we have to swear allegiance to the one on the throne - the King of Kings - in order to get all that comes with being part of the Kingdom. You can believe in God and not be part of His Kingdom but you cannot get all the privileges, unless you actually take the step to become a royal subject...

I love this parallel as it taught me so much about the Kingdom and how it works out here on this earth - not just when we get to heaven. And now, please join me as we wish Her Majesty a happy 90th birthday! God save the Queen! 

The JOY of the Lord

I found this wonderful colouring page a while ago on thevictoryroad.com and had it for when I would have time to colour... I had heard about the fact that colouring is now becoming the thing to do as adults, and so I thought I would see what it is all about. 

I know that the children I work with love to colour, especially those at the Children's Home, and I know that it calms them, so I could see the benefit for them... And in this crazy life, I know that there are times I long for the calming, stilling, "just being"-ness that something like colouring would bring. 

And yet, I still didn't try it. I didn't find the time. Until time found me... After a crazy trip to three countries and a lot of conference and meetings, I found myself unwell. It was inevitable as in my last destination I was in meetings all day with someone with a cold... oh well.  After 5 days of being good and resting, (even cancelling a trip I was supposed to take) and thinking I was better, I managed to get up and carry on with my normal craziness - and after 2 days of that, I was hit by a second wave of illness worse than the first... After a trip to the doctor and a diagnosis of sinusitis and bronchitis and a prescription of antibiotics and "REST" (she even put it in capital letters so I really would get the idea...), I decided to actually do some resting... 

And so, during the time of rest, I finally found time to do some colouring... and of course I found that I enjoyed it! I love the meditative nature of choosing the colours, focusing on the words while colouring and repeating over and over to myself - the JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH. In this time when I am without strength, it is good to be reminded!!

I am not really an artist, but I can find JOY in bringing a blank colouring page to life! 

It was also good to know that the world doesn't collapse without me in it. Things carry on without me (I have a good band of people around me to fill in!) and so I can take time to rest and get my strength back up before moving on to the next thing that God has for me...

ART on velvetashes.com

Rules for my life

When I was at University, I had a friend who had the following rules:

Since then I have always used this as a joke...saying that this is the list of rules for my life. Although I am right in many cases (ha ha!), I know that I am not always right... but sometimes I do act as if I am always right: which is not good for those around me. Yesterday Ljilja joked "my life became so much easier when I just remember that Belinda is always right" and it got me to thinking...

I mean, if the person I live with and work with has to act like I am always right just for us to get along, then something isn't right!!

This morning during my daily time of reading my bible and praying, I realised a couple of things...
1) of course I don't really think that I am not always right, but even saying it as a joke means that others may think that I actually do think that...
2) the only one who is ALWAYS right is the Lord. WOW! That was a BIG one. Of course I know that God is good, and loving and LORD ALMIGHTY, but to put it into that context is so cool. He doesn't make mistakes. He knows what is best. He is in control. He is GOD and I am NOT! I don't have to always be right, but it is comforting to know that someone is...

So, my list of rules for my life are now: